I haven’t read those books, will check them out, thanks.

I think one of the things I found really important (which I touched on in part 1) is not to allow ‘being ill’ to become part of one’s identity, which can be very tempting at times. In some way, everyone has already lost everything, because this moment is new and the past is over – it’s just that most people don’t realise it, whereas someone who has been through this sort of thing maybe does realise it.

In the same way it might be good, once we are restored to health, to not create the identity of ‘the one who is cured’, because we never know what might happen tomorrow. The same thing with awakening, if we think it’s a finality we may be deluding ourselves because tomorrow something might happen which throws all that into question. It’s all ultimately empty and transient and that is the only way it can be filled with joy, because we get to treasure this moment as it is. 🙂

Well, I guess I shouldn’t tar all bank managers but, you know 🙂

Have you read The Alchemy of Illness by Kat Duff? Definitely recommended, along with a gorgeous little tome called The Sound Of a Snail Eating, which read like a meditation.

I absolutely believe that those of us who have been through something like this are in a position to be able to walk easier into whatever changes come because we’ve already lost everything. We have nothing to lose. And we have had a lot of time to think and ponder about these things.

So I would agree with you to trust the process, that there is a point to illness in many cases (maybe ultimately in all cases). And as for the surrender, you can surrender from even knowing how to surrender, surrender from the person who wants to surrender, surrender to the fact that you can’t surrender. And yes, the dark night is bloody dark, darker than those yet to pass through it can imagine, but in some ways I think it needs to be, because only then are we made humble enough to know that we don’t know a damn thing… and then we can maybe just give it all up. This is the beginning of the end of it, but paradoxically, while we are desperate for it to end, we are only perpetuating it – what you resist, persists, of course. But it will end, it has to – even if you persist in doing ‘the wrong thing’, it is bringing you closer to the point where you can give up. ‘The fool who persists in his folly will become wise’, as Blake put it.

So I hope what I’ve written has given you some encouragement, and when the dark night is over you will see it has all been worth it, even though you could never imagine anything being worth so much suffering.

The last 9 months I’ve been consulting the I Ching and over and with that as the guiding and overarching sort of narrative of the year, over and over again it’s been about learning to rest, learning to surrender, learning to understand the action of no-action. It’s been hellish, really, but like so many people in this situation there has been that definite sense of purpose underneath, that this illness somehow isn’t just about you, that there is a wider and grander purpose that we can’t see … and then the shutters would come down and I’d forget all about that till next time. In-between there have been the times that I have been so despairing and seriously wanting to just give up … even noticing the lack of surrender in the desperation but not being able to surrender – that dark night gets really bloody dark, doesn’t it.

Glad I have found your little space on the interwebs via the More Beautiful World FB page and am off to read parts 2 and 3 now 🙂

Can’t believe you went through so much! Especially when the medication affected your teeth.

I can totally relate to the pain that eczema causes! I remember being in so much extreme excruciating pain as well. Thanks for being so open to sharing your story 🙂

Looking fwd to reading part 2!

Abby
http://www.primephysiquenutrition.com

I think the identification with pain is a serious obstacle to healing because it can be so seductive when we apparently have nothing else in our lives, that all our plans look like they will come to nothing. To get sympathy for the ‘poor me’ identity is often the last resort and it can be hard to let go of.

The food issue is also an important one of course – it can be seductive to eat and drink the wrong things for our condition because we feel so sorry for ourselves. I went the other way and was super-strict, which can also be a form of self-rejection if taken too far of course.

Thanks for your comment. 🙂